#76 inviSible String

i identify as a tortured poet (part 2)

Noelia Towers

SIDE A

It was early November when we first met
A 6’1’’ INFJ with a medicating calmness
Chain smoker of Marlboro light cigarettes
Emotionally intelligent, raised by women 
Was I wrong to be charmed out of my head?

You hooked me at just the right moment
Asked questions like you were interested
In all my past, present and future tenses
I was wary, but I thought what the hell?

You’re handsome and oh so affectionate 
A magical answer to all my loneliness
All that heartache deserves this godsend
Finally met someone who’s like minded

And those compliments went both ways
I made you feel seen and heard and held
Love letters and a poem on your birthday
Hearts and I miss you texts before bed
Your favorite foods, handmade bracelets
You’d say come over and I always said yes
I thought of you before I thought of myself

It was nice to be treasured and courted
It was nice to know where it was headed
It was nice to exchange many covert kisses
It was nice to be given what I always wanted 

You told me about your relationship from hell
And I knew how it felt, to give your very best
Only to hurt, to never have it reciprocated 
To offer everything, get nothing in the end

So I gave it all I had, you made me feel safe
Eventually released my heart from its cage
Shared albums, playlists, long weekends
Stories, dinners, fears and deepest secrets

It only took you 1 month and 7 days 
Handwritten card and giant bouquet 
My only options were yes or YES!
You couldn’t believe it, you manifested 
This was it for you, I was your soulmate 

It was quiet in your room, almost past 3 am 
You took one long telling look at my face
I saw it, I knew what you were going to say
Three magical words swirling in the air
And then over and over, you repeated them

You introduced me all to your friends 
You said, “Let it get choppy, we’ll sail”
Our paths crossed again after a decade
How lucky do we have to be to meet again?

You brought up ring sizes and marriage
You said how nice it’d be to have children 
With your dimples and my giant gaze 
You painted me a forever kind of fairytale
At dinner, do you remember, you insisted?

You always picked me up at the front gate
Just because, even if it was out of your way
You held my exhausted body all night in bed 
I was happy and sedated, if only for a moment

SIDE B

When we first met, you’d said, if it ends,
“I hope that we can still be friends”
The one thing you fervently wanted
Was to spare me from disappointment

Because you knew I’d wield my pen
Knives twisting for months on end
Poisonous ink spilling over pages
My words have killed many men
And darling, guess it’s your turn next

We took that road trip, talked till 5 am
And then I don’t know what shifted
You just disappeared into yourself
I knocked, came up against barricades
You’d already chosen violent silence 
 
I pushed and prodded until you confessed
“This is too serious, I’m too overwhelmed”
“You’re coming up short in every way”
“You’re withdrawing,” (I was right there)
“You’re taking all my love for granted” 
“I never even want to meet your parents”

I heard you out, I said I could change
I loved you, so I bargained with myself
I sobbed in your bathroom, still stayed
I said, “Are we good?” and you said yes
But I knew every infliction on your face
I saw the end; you gave yourself away

Knew it when you asked for time and space
I was dying inside, but I said it was okay
Two days of tear-soaked pillows in bed
Biting off my nails, ripping out my hair

Then you call, casually cruel on a Sunday
Sounded perfectly fine when you said,
“I think I’ve rushed it and overcommitted
The monumental pressure is in my head
I don’t really see this going anywhere."

Did you hear my heart break into pieces? 
All my flaws were just excuses you made
I thought I knew you, but it was my mistake
Couldn’t recognize you or your callousness

And what the hell was I supposed to say?
Was I supposed to kneel, plead, or beg?
Wait by the phone till your mind changed?
Come over like nothing had happened?

For a week I stayed chained to my bed
Looking through photos and text messages
I worried my parents and all my friends
Crashing out from an overdose of pain  
Drinking my brain to either sleep or death

I waited for your voice with bated breath
For an apology that never fucking came 
For the courage to not even say it to my face
Is that really how little our time meant?
In a 2 minute phone call, it all just ended 
And I don’t think I heard from you again

I took what was left of my self-respect
The tears came pouring out like rivulets 
I stayed quiet, paying for my bad bets
You turned out just like the rest of them

A coward who makes grand promises 
Then overnight, snatches them away 
In your stories, you’ll emerge guiltless
Lie to everyone but your conscience

It only takes you less than seven days 
To get on a dating app, start swiping again
Good luck, then, finding someone else 
Bet you’ll complain, smoke your cigarettes 
Show off my brutal poems on the internet
Poor you, you just tried your fucking best
To love the meanest bitch you’ve ever met

And I’ll wield my twenty-six alphabets
Write you to the ground, you never existed
Only the two of us know what happened
And I’d rather die than carry your secrets

As for me, I dodged a fucking bullet
At least, that’s what my friends all said
I’ve had a dozen similar heartbreaks
So what’s one more time in the grave? 

Now you’ll meet my ghost everywhere
Every bar you drink at, I’ll be there -
Whenever a Taylor Swift song plays
When you order a salt rimmed picante 
In the passive smoke of a mint cigarette
When you smell that black opium YSL

And somebody else will get my very best
Memories eventually fade to nothingness
Our invisible string never really existed 
Or if it did, I snapped it and saved myself.