#77 everything i know about breakups

tried and tested process, results 100% guaranteed

As the Olympic champion of moving on after a breakup, I’ve come up with an effective and handy list of steps to feel, release and ultimately win a breakup. Quick, ruthless and effective, these ideologies have unfortunately been tried and tested in my own life so often, that now I move through the heavy motions and emotions in an autopilot manner, and emerge on the other end of the heartbreak tunnel with zero guilt, remorse or backtracking. I say that as a woman who is quite emotionally high strung, and who loves heedlessly when she does. So you’ll have to trust me when I claim this stuff works, because it even works for me.

Step 1 : No Contact

The first thing you’re going to do when someone breaks up with you, or forces you to break up with them by exhibiting asshole behavior, is block them. A complete, surgical, Covid-19 level wipe down of their digital and physical existence from your phone and life like they never existed, because in your immediate reality and from this point onwards, they don’t. Remove them from your social media, delete the shared playlists, photos, albums, and anything else you can think of. Block their number and email. If you have their clothes, cut them up Blank Space style. Bonus points if you change their contact name to something insulting (Turd, Shithead, Psychopath…feel free to get creative). This may sound ruthless, but it’s going to speed up your healing process by at least 10x, I promise. You’re super emotionally vulnerable right when it happens, and you don’t want to give them the opportunity to infiltrate your space when you are. Anything can trigger a memory, so you have to remove the triggers.

Step 2 : Feel Your Feelings

Severing ties with the person you shared every mundane detail of your life with, the person you slept comfortably next to, the person you were physically intimate with - it fucking sucks. It’s an aneurysm and open heart surgery and an amputation sans anesthesia all at once. They were ingrained into your brain and heart and nervous system, and suddenly they’re just…gone? It’s one of the worst feelings in the world. You want so badly to wake up and find that it’s just a freaky nightmare, but it’s not. And it hurts like a motherfucker.

So you’re going to feel your worst feelings. Set a timeline (I usually give myself one week). Don’t shower. Don’t get out of bed. Miss them in your bones. Cry into your hands, on the floor, in your best friends arms - just do it everywhere. Drown and sink to the unholy bottom of that sadness. Play the melancholy music. Reminisce on the good memories before everything just exploded. You have big feelings, and you' have to let yourself unabashedly feel them. The only way out is through.

You’ll want to reach out because it’s an ingrained habit, but don’t. This is so important. Whatever you have to say to them, type into your notes app in whatever stream of consciousness it comes. And you’ll want them to reach out too. You’ll want to dive into the past and change your behavior, their behavior, the circumstances, anything to make the pain stop. You’ll want to rewrite that ugly ending a thousand times, you’ll want them to have behaved better, you’ll be aghast at their unfeeling apathy.

But it’s no longer your job to worry about how they’re dealing. The spotlight has shifted, and this is about you. The questions will constantly try to derail you - Are they suffering just as much? Do they miss you? Are they okay? Do they have anything to say? Did they start dating someone new already? Try to stop wondering. It’s none of your business anymore.

Remember that emotions come in 90 second waves, and they pass. You just have to ride the rough waves. Remember that nostalgia is a mind’s trick, and it inflates the happiness you felt with someone you’ve just lost, makes it seem better than it really was. None of the good memories will make up for how you were treated when it mattered, how casually cruel they were to give you up that easy, is there?

If you’re like me, you’ll have a lot of writing and crying to do. But you’ll also know that it had to end, because you’re not the type to give up on people easily, unless they give up on you and/or disrespect you. You probably stayed and tolerated hurt for a while before making the choice to leave. It’s easier if they made the choice, because then it’s just done. So know that you tried your best, set your grieving timeline, and let the sadness expel itself from your body in whatever form it comes.

Step 3 : Dopamine Activities

When you finally feel like getting out of bed, you’re going to do things that are guaranteed to make you feel better, or at least, generate enough endorphins to trick your brain into thinking it’s all okay. Things like : putting on a hype playlist and going on a run, feeling hot sweat and cool wind against your skin, the control returning to your body as you scale mile after mile. Blasting Taylor Swift, because she’s the queen of petty and lyrical goodbyes. Hopping into a hot shower and washing your hair, then moisturizing from head to toe. FaceTiming your friends and asking them to give you their life updates. Putting on a cute outfit and going to a bar where boys will definitely walk up and blatantly flirt with you, and you’ll get to relish in new attention without committing to anyone. Activities that remind you that you’ve still got it, the world isn’t ending, and you’ve walked through this hellfire before, so you’re more than capable of doing it again.

Step 4 : Give Yourself Closure

Closure isn’t real, and if it is, you can give it to yourself. The person who hurt you won’t be able to give you anything except more hurt, so you have to take control of the narrative, because you’re the protagonist, and this is your story. You don’t need to sit down with them and remind them how hot you are, or what they lost, or ask why they did what they did. You don’t need a last meeting to end it on amicable terms. You don’t need to be friends with your ex. You definitely don’t need to text a paragraph and tell them what they did, and how it hurt you. Everyone is an adult, and I’d rather break my own wrist than explain to some loser at his big age why I’m cutting him off.

Instead, you’re going to tell yourself a story. You’re going to sit in the middle of your bed and make a list of all the reasons why it doesn’t work with them in your notes app. All their bad qualities and red flags, things you tolerated when you know you shouldn’t have, the disrespect they meted out at the end. I used to have a Reasons Why It Works list, and when I finally made my Reasons It Doesn’t Work list, I had 18 more points on it. It was simple math. When it’s all written down in black and white, you have tangible proof to return to in your weak moments.

Step 5 : Silence Is Your Weapon

The most deadly weapon in the world is pin drop silence. Nothing drives people up a wall of self reflection like your silence will. It’s easy and natural to want to reach out, and the urge will creep up more often than you like. But silence is golden, and it scares people shitless, keeps them up at night, teaches them the kind of lifelong lesson no cutting words ever will.

I’ve watched grown men crumble to tears at my feet as a result of me going stone cold quiet. That haunting silence is your best friend. Use it. Don’t key their car, don’t show up at their house for a shouting match, don’t shit talk them to their friends, don’t plot revenge, don’t worry who they date next, don’t bother wasting any more time. Don’t say anything.

Leave quietly. Be the one that got away and let them wonder. All you’ll remember in a few weeks from now is how you left with grace, your self respect intact. Absence makes the heart grow fonder so let them bask in your absence, and by the time they realize what a huge void is left in their life, you’ll be long gone and doing much better.

Step 6 : Reasserting Your Value

After a breakup, it’s easy to sink into the black hole of self hatred and worthlessness and feeling like you’ll never find someone like them again. GOOD! You don’t want to! They fumbled you, so do you want to be with someone like that when there’s millions of other people who could be more eligible? In this moment, it’s important to zoom out, and let your ego kick in as you remind yourself of your value again.

Your value doesn’t diminish because of their poor treatment towards you. You’re still you - gorgeous, accomplished, kind, funny, emotionally intelligent, you. You gave them the opportunity to experience that, and they didn’t want it. So what? Their loss.

Did they say you were too much? Okay, then let them go find less. Did they cheat on you? Okay, then you didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is unfaithful. Did they chicken out because things were getting serious? Okay, then you don’t want to be with a flaky coward who switches up like that. The love of your life wouldn’t do these things, so it’s simple : they’re not the love of your life.

If someone is willing to lose you, they’ve already lost you. If they are even willing to risk losing you, you don’t want them in your life, and they cleared the path for you to find the person who actually wants to stick around and do the work. At the end of the day, every man is just some guy. Watch as the trash takes itself out, every single time, and thank the Universe for the divine redirection.

Step 7 : Use Your Anger to Level Up

I personally don’t believe in forgiveness, forgetting, or being the bigger person. I’m only 5’5’’ so I’m not physically big enough, and God knows men aren’t taking any accountability for their actions, so what are we forgiving and forgetting, exactly? Instead, I believe in holding the grudge and channeling that anger and spite into productivity, climbing a few more rungs of whatever ladder I’m trying to get to the top of.

There’s literal scientific proof that you get hotter after a breakup. It’s happened to me every time : my skin clears up and all this wonderful time frees up, so I get started on doing what I didn’t have time to do before. I get busy! I work out! I drink less alcohol and eat better! I’m not worried about somebody’s son making my skin crawl with anxiety and stress, so I feel good in my body! Change up the music, put the sad playlists aside, and put on some fuck, you, goodbye type high energy shit. This is your chance to use pain as literal fuel, and it’s giving you a boost towards your goals. Press down on the accelerator and propel yourself forward.

Step 8 : They Always Come Back, But You Don’t Have To Go Back

There will be a day when they reach out, try to slip through the slivers of your healing to see if you’re still available to be toyed with. The most idiotic thing you can do is entertain this behavior. That’s like lying down on the floor and saying, please, walk all over me again. That’s like putting the trash out on the street and then running after the garbage truck to go dumpster diving and sift through what you’ve discarded. That’s like chasing after the snake that bit you to confirm if their venom is still poisonous.

By the time they circle the block again, you should have metaphorically moved countries and changed identities in your mind. You can revisit your Reasons Why It Doesn’t Work list if you feel tempted to engage, but usually by this point, you won’t want to. When I heard from my ex a few days ago, his weak attempt to invite me out to drinks actually made me audibly cackle. I left him on delivered, used my silence to communicate that this behavior would never, ever fly.

Your self respect must always outweigh your feelings, and since you’ve processed all your worst emotions already, you’re D-O-N-E. You’re ahead of the curve and you aren’t going back because you know your fucking worth.

Step 9 : Move the Fuck On

Heartbreak teaches you a lot, so you have to take stock of what you’ve learnt. What mistakes did you make, what red flags did you paint green, and how can you show up in your next relationship as a better version of yourself? I know I’m not a perfect partner (there’s no such thing), but in all of my relationships I know that I’ve never flaked, cheated, fucked someone over, or been frightened off by discomfort. I’m a solid, loyal and dependable person with consistent communication skills and the ability to love incredibly well. I sleep peacefully at night, conscience clear as the blue sky.

All I’ve done - without remorse - is removed myself from situations where the value I was offering wasn’t being returned, because my standards are high and I won’t stay a second longer if you make me feel unwanted. So this time or the next, don’t be afraid to burn the bridge that leads to you. You’d rather have people wonder why you’re single than wonder why you’re still with that particular loser.

Move the fuck on, and don’t sit with the what ifs of the past for too long. The past is over, and look at you, you survived it brilliantly, like you always do. There’s dozens of gorgeous people lining up to meet you right now and treat you well, so you have to put on a nice outfit and sit down across the table from them one by one as your improved self - share a laugh and an evening of conversation and who knows, maybe even a whole life.